As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
His nipple licking is glorious
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