meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
