i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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