I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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