so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
