My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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