I can't breathe out the right side of my face
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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