So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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