So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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