I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
