Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Randomize
