i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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