If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
