Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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