Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
