Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
