don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize