Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize