in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
