u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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