your parents love me but you hate me
As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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