Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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