what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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