all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
