mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
