Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
