god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
