I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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