I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize