I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
