lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
