I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Randomize
