You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
