My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
