don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Randomize
