There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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