did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Randomize
