Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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