I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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