Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
