I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
