I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
