i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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