We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
