I skipped work to stalk him.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
