This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
