thus making me awesome and them whores
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
