girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
