So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
