So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
