tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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