Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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