I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
