Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize