omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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