I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
