What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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