it was like his penis was on wheels.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
