do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
only you would photoshop your dick
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
it's like heaven, but drunker
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
