yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I love you. Go after that dick
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
