I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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