I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
